New Joke

[MrJ]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out
onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my
flower garden.

"So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy
sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and say, '$20 or off it comes'."
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."

[chrisbis]

Brilliant Joke Ken!!.

[MrJ]

A man goes to a shrink and says,

'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. 
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor,
'Take a deep breath and calm down. 
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?

[chrisbis]

 
Girl Lodger

A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath,although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, don't go to darts. Wait in the back garden and I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department; very generously indeed.

Then the girl went to bed and the husband came in; the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't"...

[albalaha]

Wow Chris.. Nice Joke..

[MrJ]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[chrisbis]

Hookerly brilliant Ken!

[chrisbis]

This is probably a joke for all UK people over a certain age. (poss greater than 50 years old)

Please, anyone can try to guess the answer'


"Can You think of Two Worse Winters than This One?

And it wasn't the Winter of 1976!!

[chrisbis]

Answer to the above post (Reply #7) was;-

Mike and Bernie WINTERS !!!!!!

[chrisbis]

What did the painting easel say to the pot of paint?




Lets go and canvas someone's opinion!

[chrisbis]

So, did I tell U the one about the chef? No? Oh too bad.
.
.
.
.
Well ok then,
What can an indian chef not do to his collegues?


Answer- He can not - CURRY ANY FAVOURS!!