Extra Rude Jokes (be warned!)

[chrisbis]

Take a deep breath before looking at some of these.

All supplied by Mr Chrisbis Senior. (Dad)

U have been warned.

Remember Robby Robot in *Lost In Space*>>>

Warning,
Warning,
Warning...........


(go on then---- someone post a picture of the old metal tin-can!!!!

[chrisbis]

There Was a Young Woman Named Joan

Who Went to the Dentist Alone

But in His Depravity

He Filled the Wrong Cavity

Now She's Nursing the Filling at Home.

[Twisteruk]

Sorry Chris I had to remove that last one, it was a little too gross.


Obviously its subjective, but I made a call.


Maybe not so rude plz 

[chrisbis]

Ok. i trust u didn't put it in the recycle bin!!

Lord  knows what might happen to it in there!

Just to be more accurate about the title, would u (for me) alter the title of the Topic
by putting a score thro through the word Extra?
It will stop members expecting overlyrude jokes.

i have many gems, not as rude as that last one.

Some very old, like my father

its prob the worst, and my mother always, always cringes at the *key* word.

poor mum.

thanx for the moderation.

[flukey luke]

Little doggy story.

A bulldog and an alsatian chatting in the vet's waiting room.

Alsatian; What are you here for mate?

Bulldog; I'm afraid it's curtains for me. I've been after this postman for a while and this morning I was waiting just under the letter box when he popped his hand through with a postcard. managed to grab the barsteward, bit two of his fingers off and chewed them for breakfast. He's only gone and got the police and they've threatened to prosecute unless they do away with me so it looks like that's it for me. What about you?

Alsatian; Well I've always fancied my mistress a bit and this morning she came out of the shower all lovely and clean like, and was leaning over the bed and I just couldn't resist it. Went for it big style - gave her a good doggy rogering.

Bulldog; So that's you in the same boat as me is it, you're for the big needle as well are you?

Alsatian; No, I'm just here to have my nails clipped. 

[chrisbis]

Nice one luke.

This joke so reminds me of Brain from Family Guy.

[chrisbis]

A woman weightlifter goes to the doctors and says:

"I've been taking these steroids,

and  now I've grown a cox"

The doctor asks;>

"Anabolic?"

The woman says, "No...... just a cox!"     

[chrisbis]

On hearing that her elderly Grandfather has past away,

Katie went to visit her remaining 98 year old Grandmother.

When she asked how he had died, Gran replied;

"He  had a heart attack during Sunday morning love making."

Katie was aghast that her Grandparents were still have sex

and risking their lives.

"We do it to the church bells every Sunday" Gran continued,

"In on the ding, and out on the dong".

Her Grandmother paused, and she wiped away a tear that ran down her sad face.

"He would still be here today, Ur Grandfather,

If that bloody ice cream van had not come along!"

[flukey luke]

There is a space shuttle on a mission to the moon with two monkeys and a woman on board.

A message comes in from Nasa:

"Monkey number one, Monkey number one, come to the television screen"

He is given instructions to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four, and to release oxygen to the reactors.

Soon after the control centre calls again:

"Monkey number two, Monkey number two, come to the television screen"

He is given instructions to add carbon dioxide to room two, to stop the fuel injection to engine five and to analyse the solar radiation.

A bit later, the annoucement comes up:

"Woman please, woman come to the television screen"


"Yeah, I know, no need to tell me, feed the monkeys and don't touch anything!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man dies and goes to hell. As he is sitting around feeling sorry for himself, he meets a Demon.

"Why are you so gloomy, mate"

"Why do you think, I'm in Hell"

"Oh, Hell isn't that bad now, actually we have a lot of fun. Do you drink?"

"Yes, I like a drink"

"Great, your gonna love Mondays. Whisky, vodka, tequila, rum, you name it, we drink until we throw up, and it doesn't matter cos we're already dead!!"

"Sounds like fun. What about Tuesdays"

"Do you smoke"

"Sure"

"Terrific, you are going to have a great time. We have the finest cigars delivered and puff our lungs out, and we don't have to worry about getting cancer either!"

"This is sounding great"

"You haven't heard about Wednesdays yet" Drugs - Crack, Smack, heroin, we do the lot! Overdose - who cares!"

"Just one other thing - I really like to gamble. I don't suppose..."

"That is an amazing co-incedence. Thursday we have a blowout, craps, roulette, blackjack, poker...if you go bust tell your creditors to see the grim reaper!"

"I never knew hell was such a cool place!"

"Yup, sure is. Just one thing - are you gay"

"God no"


"Oh dear, you are not going to like Fridays........"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and she can frequently be found speeding around in the old people's home. She is one sandwich short of a picnic, so the other residents humour her.

One day she is going down the corridor in the main hall, and Clarence steps out from the kitchen. "Stop! Have you got a licence for that?" Ethel fishes in her handbag and pulls out a Kit Kat wrapper" "That's fine madam, carry on"

She is going through the lounge, and Harold appears from behind a sofa. "Stop! I need to see proof of insurance" Ethel looks in her handbag and gets out a coffee mat. "Ok, you may continue!"

As Ethel goes past the front door, Craig steps out from the study completely naked, and with a rather large erect pen1s in his hand!


"Oh stuff, not the breathalyser again!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[VLS]

A man died and was sent to hell.

He was told hell management introduced some improvements and now each newcomer would choose the torture which suited the best for him. Kind of choosing the better among the worst.

So he was shown Torture #1:
In a dark dungeon there was a man being spanked with some heavy chains.

He says to the devil:
- Show me the next one please.

Torture #2:

Next room, there was a man hanged from his arms, being spanked with an iron-claw whip, leaving deep wounds on the victim.

He shaked his head:
- Next one please.

Torture #3:

Finally they stepped into the sexual torture room. There was another man, tied to the wall, totally naked. This time the man had some ââ,¬Å"expressionââ,¬Â on his face which resembled pain, but not quiteââ,¬Â¦
ââ,¬Â¦There was a sculptural blond woman sucking his manhood.

As soon as the newcomer saw this he said with a smile:
- It is here, this is what I want Mr. Devil. Being sexually tortured for all the eternity. Here is where I stop.

Devil asked:
ââ,¬Å"Ã,¿Are you sure? How do you think *that* will feel continuously within a thousand years nonstop?

Reminding the other torture rooms, the guy said:
-      Yes, Iââ,¬â,,¢m sure. This is where I stop.

Ok, says the devil.

They walk to the wall, he gets naked and the devil says to the blond woman: "Your replacement is here".

[chrisbis]

Nice jokes guys!

[Twisteruk]

A man died and was sent to hell.

He was told hell management introduced some improvements and now each newcomer would choose the torture which suited the best for him. Kind of choosing the better among the worst.

So he was shown Torture #1:
In a dark dungeon there was a man being spanked with some heavy chains.

He says to the devil:
- Show me the next one please.

Torture #2:

Next room, there was a man hanged from his arms, being spanked with an iron-claw whip, leaving deep wounds on the victim.

He shaked his head:
- Next one please.

Torture #3:

Finally they stepped into the sexual torture room. There was another man, tied to the wall, totally naked. This time the man had some ââ,¬Å"expressionââ,¬Â on his face which resembled pain, but not quiteââ,¬Â¦
ââ,¬Â¦There was a sculptural blond woman sucking his manhood.

As soon as the newcomer saw this he said with a smile:
- It is here, this is what I want Mr. Devil. Being sexually tortured for all the eternity. Here is where I stop.

Devil asked:
ââ,¬Å"Ã,¿Are you sure? How do you think *that* will feel continuously within a thousand years nonstop?

Reminding the other torture rooms, the guy said:
-      Yes, Iââ,¬â,,¢m sure. This is where I stop.

Ok, says the devil.

They walk to the wall, he gets naked and the devil says to the blond woman: "Your replacement is here".

HA HA ! Funny sh!t  

[chrisbis]

Seasonal Joke for the UK, and everyone knows the history of the UK right?

>>>>

The Boy Stood On The Burning Deck,

With A Pocket Full Of Crackers.

A Spark Flew Up His Trouser Leg,-

And Blew Off Half His Knackers.

>>>>

Do hope its gets through naughty word check!

[chrisbis]

As the men were preparing for their flight
to the drop zone, the Parachute instructor
took them through the last minute plans.

"OK men, he's the drill"

"As soon as the green light appears at the jump
door, that's our signal to go"

"Line up, single file and attach the drag cord to the overhead
cable, and give it a good tug!"

"The cable will automatically pull your chute as u exit
the airplane"

" If this cable tug fails, Ur reserve chute
will deploy between 500 and 10 feet and u set down to the drop zone"

A green faced trooper mid way down the fuselage pipes up
a nervous question.......

"What happens if the reserve chute doesn't open?"

The stern faced instructor leans right over into the young man's face,
& sharply says......................

"Well U can faking jump 10 feet can't You"!!

[chrisbis]

My straight laced sister, from London Village,
(small place in the south of England, i beleive)
has just texted me this joke, so BLAME her if u are offended!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I found my dyslexic mate

covering his penis with boot

polish at 1am on Sunday morning.

"No" I said?---- "Your a bloody iidiot"

"I told U to turn your clock back!"